Things I Can’t Do When I’m Depressed

  • Listen to music: If it’s somber or richly produced or instrumented (which is the only kind to which I’ll be inclined), it may only depress me further, or at least more deeply entrench me into the ill feeling. If it’s really good, it will further depress me by reminding me of all the music I’m not writing or recording or performing.
  • Read: The solitary and silent nature of long-form reading is too fragile; it leaves too much space in my mind for self-loathing thoughts to intrude and interrupt. And what’s the point of gaining wisdom or exposing oneself to quality works of culture anyway? We’ll all be dead soon.
  • Watch television or a movie: I become hyper-aware of the time that is draining away as I sit passively watching other people do things on a screen. May also serve to remind me of the acting/theatre life I left behind, and how I was never really committed enough to it to reach my potential.
  • Play a game: Again, knowledge of the waste of time stings, but in a video game I may not be aware of time’s passage as much, but then more heavily regret its passing once I’m done, inevitably unfulfilled.
  • Call a friend: I hate being on the phone and I never begin impromptu conversations with, well, almost anyone.
  • Eat: Everything tastes a little worse, satisfies less, and leaves me with guilt for consuming unneeded, excess calories.
  • Write: I only wind up making self-indulgent crap like this.

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